Life In the Fast Lane

About three years ago I was what some would call a pretty heavy drinker.  I would easily polish off a large bottle of wine every night by myself.  At that point our marriage was going through some pretty heavy struggles, I was a new bee to staying home with the kids and everything was so hectic all the time.  I remember I just kept going, going, and going.  I literally never stopped.  I remember that I had really bad anxiety at this point too.  If I remember correctly I slept probably about a good hour a night.  Which is why I began to drink very heavy, I would drink that bottle of wine every night no questions asked….because this was the way I would knock myself out to go sleep. I remember I would wake up every day with a terrible hang over….I was so groggy; I really wasn't ready to face any part of my day. I was unmotivated to do anything at all.  The most I would do was take care of the kids clean, the house and cook a meal……and I would hide…..I would hide behind those perfectly cooked meals and a perfectly cleaned home. I didn't want the outside world to see who I really was. I was a mess, physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally.

 At this point I wasn't happy at all. I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't happy with my marriage, in general I just wasn't a happy person.  I remember having a conversation with a girlfriend one night, she and I had gone out to the cheese cake factory and we were chatting.  I asked her “do you ever feel like you just need something more?”  “Do you ever feel like that your just missing a huge part and you can’t figure it out?”  She replied “yes” so she and I kept hashing over what we thought we could do more of to become more fulfilled.  We talked about very shallow things to tell you the truth. We needed a new bag, a great pair of shoes, a new home.  You name it! If we didn't have it we were trying to figure out a way to get it to become fulfilled.

Fast forward about a year or two I had battled with almost losing our third child during pregnancy and almost losing my life as well. Battled severe postpartum depression, and heavy blow to our marriage I was becoming an even heavier drinker.  I was up two bottles a night and a couple “swigs’ during the day.  I added some hard liquor in the mix and a sleeping pill, to ensure I didn't wake up from panic attacks at night. I was so lost, and I was still looking for that missing facet in my life.  So at this point I started to do some serious soul searching. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life in this pattern.  It wasn't making me any better.  It was making me worse. “Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is led astray by it is not wise’ Proverbs 20:1

So I decided to begin to see what a relationship with God would be like.  A real relationship, not only going to church on Sundays.  I mean everyday sitting down with him daily, reading the Bible and talking to him.  So I began to do this for about a month and I literally saw my life transform before my eyes.  That emptiness I felt was beginning to go away.  At that point I knew I found what I had been searching for, I found that “something more”.  At this point I was still drinking.  I read this verse in the Bible one morning and it said. “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8.  I took a good hard look at myself and I said “wow that’s me. I am not sober minded at all” At that point I decided it was time to put my new found faith into action and I began to fast.  I gave up my crutch and trusted God to allow me to walk without my crutch of alcohol.  It wasn’t easy by any means. “That your fasting may not be seen by others but 
by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in 
secret will reward you” Matthew 6:18

 I craved wine; I craved it at every meal. We went out to eat and I saw people drinking it and I wanted it.  But I didn’t get it.  Why didn’t I get it? Because I made a promise to God, I told him to better my life I would fast alcohol from here on out. I guess you can say that I put myself in my own recovery, but with the best doctor in the world. I have had alcohol since then, but I prayed about it before I had it.  I recently celebrated my 30^th birthday in March and we had a pretty big bash.  I asked God if it would be ok if I only had 2 cocktails and I believe he told me yes and so I did.  I asked permission to break my fast for only that one evening and I believe God allowed me to do so and I have not had alcohol since then. “On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Mark 2:17

Because I chose to fast I feel that God has rewarded me greatly. He has rewarded me with a better marriage; he has rewarded me with being a better mom.  He has released any anxiety that I was feeling. I have a better physical well-being. I am able to sleep at night without having to have 2 bottles of wine to knock me out. I am able to wake early and not feel like I just got hit by a Mack truck and force myself out of bed. I am able to think clearly and not make rash decisions.  I don’t stew about problems over a bottle of wine anymore.  I take it God and I get the best advice in the world. ““Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning” Joel 2:12

Sometimes we have to give a little to receive.  But let me tell you, giving up any crutch is well worth having a full relationship with God.  He allows you to have a life that has quality that has meaning that is really, worthwhile to live.  Because now you’re living it for him, not for you; when you live it for him you will have a life that is transformed more than you could’ve ever dream of.  “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” 2 Corinthians 5:17.