Locked Up

For 365 days I was locked in a prison cell. I was in that cell because I took something that wasn't mine. I was mad, lonely, I was angry; I thought by having something that wasn't mine it  was giving me some type of power, but instead of having power I had nothing. I had nothing in that prison cell. At times I blamed everyone else for locking me up; until I realized that I put myself in this prison.  

The prison cell was not an actual prison. Although it felt like it was. This was a prison that I had encapsulated myself in from holding grudges; from having un-forgiveness towards those that I felt that didn't deserve my forgiveness. I thought that by holding on to everything that anyone has ever done to me, was going to give me a leg up on them. But it was quite the contrary.  You see, I was really the one that was being held in a cell of misery, of pain, of anguish because I refused to let go. Luke 6:27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you”

As I was in meditation I was shown something in the Bible ““Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; Luke 6:37.  On that day I knew had to change.  I had to forgive those who had hurt me.  I had to forgive, not for them, but for me.  Once I forgave them and truly forgave them I was released from my prison.  I became more relived, I felt lighter, I felt happier, I wasn't carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore.  I was able to live a happier life. I also wanted to make sure that I had forgiveness reciprocated to me. Colossians 3:13 Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”

Sometimes we feel that forgiveness is doing a favor to those who have harmed us.  When in reality we are releasing ourselves from the burden of holding on to such pain, stress, and heartache.  I never knew what real happiness was until I truly forgave the ones that hurt me.  I realized that you can’t go back and change the past. You can’t change a mistake. Most importantly what I have learned is that if we want to be forgiven we must give it and sometimes we have to do it daily.  Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”

Living in anger and in un-forgiveness is just as bad as being in prison cell. Let go of the anger, the pain, the hurt, the grudges that you are holding onto. Because, we never know when we might need the same forgiveness shown unto us.  Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Focus

After I had my first baby I had severe postpartum depression. It was probably one of the darkest years in my life.  I remember looking around at everyone else who just had babies and they were so happy! They had this glow and radiance about them. However I did not, I had dark bags under my eyes, I was crying all the time and I really don’t remember being happy.  It had nothing to do with my son, I loved my son dearly, it was me.  I had some people give me advice on “what was wrong with me” some said I was just “stressed,” “just tired,” others even called it a “luxury” to have this.  A luxury it was not. It almost felt like a punishment that’s the only way to describe it. 

I remember sitting in the house and watching The Rachel Ray show and they were talking about postpartum depression. The girl who was being interviewed was describing her symptoms and a light bulb went off to me. I said “oh no! I think I have that.”  I remember I tried to seek some counsel from friends and family.  But if you have never battled that giant you really don’t know how to handle it.  However at that time I was too ashamed to go to the doctor and I took the advice I was given from family and friends.  I had people give me advice that should not have been advising me, to tell you the truth.  I tried to implement some of the suggestions that I was given and it just didn't seem to help.  I had individuals giving me there armor to wear to fight my battles and it didn't fit me. I looked around and all I had was a couple stones to fight my battle against what felt like a giant. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I felt afraid. I felt defeated. 

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is David and Goliath. This story is actually what helped me though the battle of postpartum depression (with all three kids).  When David was about to fight the Giant king Saul came to him and told him to use his armor because he had the best. But, David did something that was so amazing.  He put it on and he tried to walk around in it and he realized that he couldn't wear it because it didn't fit.  It worked well for Saul because it was customized to fit him.  David then said to Saul that fighting with a sword may have worked for you but let me fight the giant my way.  Saul agreed and David fought the giant with the sling shot and took him down with one stone to the forehead. You see, what I find so amazing, is not that David took down a giant with a sling shot. But, he didn't focus on the great problem that he was facing.  He focused on greater he focused on the Lord.  Saul, was only focused on the obstacle and the enormity of the opposition. However; David did not deny reality, he just selected on what he would give his attention to. David decided that focusing on the giant would not benefit him in anyway. So he shifted his focus, because he realized that no matter how big the giant is. God is BIGGER! (1 Samuel 17)

There’s a huge lesson from this story that I think often times we miss. When were faced with a battle of any kind we have a tendency to soul focus on the problem.  It doesn't matter how large the opposition is God is bigger. So instead of focusing on great, focus on greater, instead of focusing on big, focus on bigger, instead of focusing on the problem focus on the problem solver, because he will bring you victory. If you focus on the wrong thing you will be overwhelmed, you will be filled with anxiety, you will be overcome.  But if you select your attention and focus on God you will say what Abraham said when he was given a son at old age “is there anything too hard for God” (Genesis 18:14) And the answer to that is NO.  

When I was in my darkest hours of the depression I was only focused on the problem, I was only focused on how I was going to get through it. But when I read this story I realized that I was concentrating on the wrong thing. So I shifted my attention on the Lord and let me tell you every time he brought me through.  If we only center on our giants we will already be defeated and we can’t use someone else’s armor and tactics to fight our battles.  However; we have to use God tactics. He saved Daniel from the lion’s den and he certainly can guide us in battling our Giants.  Focus on the Great I am. Not on the great obstacle.