Focus

After I had my first baby I had severe postpartum depression. It was probably one of the darkest years in my life.  I remember looking around at everyone else who just had babies and they were so happy! They had this glow and radiance about them. However I did not, I had dark bags under my eyes, I was crying all the time and I really don’t remember being happy.  It had nothing to do with my son, I loved my son dearly, it was me.  I had some people give me advice on “what was wrong with me” some said I was just “stressed,” “just tired,” others even called it a “luxury” to have this.  A luxury it was not. It almost felt like a punishment that’s the only way to describe it. 

I remember sitting in the house and watching The Rachel Ray show and they were talking about postpartum depression. The girl who was being interviewed was describing her symptoms and a light bulb went off to me. I said “oh no! I think I have that.”  I remember I tried to seek some counsel from friends and family.  But if you have never battled that giant you really don’t know how to handle it.  However at that time I was too ashamed to go to the doctor and I took the advice I was given from family and friends.  I had people give me advice that should not have been advising me, to tell you the truth.  I tried to implement some of the suggestions that I was given and it just didn't seem to help.  I had individuals giving me there armor to wear to fight my battles and it didn't fit me. I looked around and all I had was a couple stones to fight my battle against what felt like a giant. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I felt afraid. I felt defeated. 

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is David and Goliath. This story is actually what helped me though the battle of postpartum depression (with all three kids).  When David was about to fight the Giant king Saul came to him and told him to use his armor because he had the best. But, David did something that was so amazing.  He put it on and he tried to walk around in it and he realized that he couldn't wear it because it didn't fit.  It worked well for Saul because it was customized to fit him.  David then said to Saul that fighting with a sword may have worked for you but let me fight the giant my way.  Saul agreed and David fought the giant with the sling shot and took him down with one stone to the forehead. You see, what I find so amazing, is not that David took down a giant with a sling shot. But, he didn't focus on the great problem that he was facing.  He focused on greater he focused on the Lord.  Saul, was only focused on the obstacle and the enormity of the opposition. However; David did not deny reality, he just selected on what he would give his attention to. David decided that focusing on the giant would not benefit him in anyway. So he shifted his focus, because he realized that no matter how big the giant is. God is BIGGER! (1 Samuel 17)

There’s a huge lesson from this story that I think often times we miss. When were faced with a battle of any kind we have a tendency to soul focus on the problem.  It doesn't matter how large the opposition is God is bigger. So instead of focusing on great, focus on greater, instead of focusing on big, focus on bigger, instead of focusing on the problem focus on the problem solver, because he will bring you victory. If you focus on the wrong thing you will be overwhelmed, you will be filled with anxiety, you will be overcome.  But if you select your attention and focus on God you will say what Abraham said when he was given a son at old age “is there anything too hard for God” (Genesis 18:14) And the answer to that is NO.  

When I was in my darkest hours of the depression I was only focused on the problem, I was only focused on how I was going to get through it. But when I read this story I realized that I was concentrating on the wrong thing. So I shifted my attention on the Lord and let me tell you every time he brought me through.  If we only center on our giants we will already be defeated and we can’t use someone else’s armor and tactics to fight our battles.  However; we have to use God tactics. He saved Daniel from the lion’s den and he certainly can guide us in battling our Giants.  Focus on the Great I am. Not on the great obstacle. 

More than happy

In the dictionary happiness is defined as “feeling, or showing pleasure.”   I find this extremely interesting, because I remember there was a point in my life where I didn't have that feeling.  It was about two years ago, after I had my daughter and I was battling postpartum depression.  I had this with my first two children but never this bad…and it was the worst time in my life. I felt sad all the time, I was crying uncontrollably I was even having terrible panic attacks, and I felt alone and I was afraid. I was even unsure If I could take care of 3 kids at one point.  People were telling me that I could control my feelings and at the time I genuinely could not. This was not a luxury to have; it actually felt like a punishment after having such a traumatic pregnancy that nearly cost my baby and I our lives.

But then one day something happened to me… I went to the hospital.  My doctor had given me some medicine that was supposed to help me and it only made me worse. I was having a horrible reaction.  I felt as though I was going crazy! Until something amazing happened to me.  I prayed.  For the first time, in a long time on that hospital bed. The doctor was coming in and was about to give me some sort of sedative to help calm me down. I looked at that doctor square in the eye and said “I’m not taking that” I looked at my husband and said “let’s go”.  I was petrified when I went home.  But I prayed all day, and all night. and I had so much faith that the Lord was going to see me though this.  I mean he saved my babies life and my life during my pregnancy.  I was certain he could help me through this.  I spent many nights crying alone on my bathroom floor because the road felt so long.  But,While praying I asked God for something that I have never asked him for before and that was his Joy. James 1:2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

I felt like at that point in time I was trying to find happiness, but I was looking for it in all the wrong places.  I began read my Bible so much; that I even tore out some of the pages and I carried them in my pockets to help lift me up.  I opened my Bible daily to Galatians 5:22-23 and it says ”22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” I prayed day and night for peace and for joy. God was so merciful and faithful that he granted me his joy.  This part of my life taught me that the enemy can try to take our joy away, even at the happiest times in our lives. In this part of my journey I developed my perseverance in the Lord.  I even more so, developed an unshakable faith in God.

Friends I am telling you this because I want you to know that sometimes we search for happiness in the wrong places. Material things will get us nowhere; these are only a temporary fix. Hobbies will only get us so far, and you certainly cannot place happiness on people, because a person will always let you down.  Put your faith in God and ask him today and every day for his joy, because he is the only one who can satisfy what our souls require.  Nehemiah 8:10 “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”